Long ago – before BITCHES (Boys International Termination Cooperative Hierarchy) took over the planet, there was a joke that went something like this:
Question: What would Earth be like if there were no men?
Answer: A lot of fat, happy women and no war.
In retrospect that joke, like much humor, was insightful.
Of course Earth still has men. The idea of totally eliminating them was toyed with only briefly — during the earliest stages of the BAM (Bitches Against Males) Revolution when primitive feminist literature, like Valerie Solanas’s SCUM (Society For Cutting Up Men) MANIFESTO enjoyed renewed popularity among female political radicals.
After worldwide female control was achieved, however, it became apparent most women didn’t favor total eradication of males. Mothers of sons were reluctant to vote in favor of their demise. Plus, as it turned out, many women actually liked men and believed they could offer positive contributions if only some of their peskier personality traits could be modified. Viewed as chief among these was a perceived male need for excitement, aggression, competition and domination, thought by many female heads of state, to have been a root cause of much war and conflict during historical periods of male dominance. On a more personal level, the male desire for sexual novelty was felt, by most female leaders, to be incompatible with a woman’s biologically based need for relationship security. Many credit this later failing with the emergence of America’s BITCH Political Party (which formed around the tail end of the twenty-first century) as well as the BAM Revolution which followed thereafter and established worldwide female “caretaking of the human race.”
According to gender-historians, revolutionary seeds were planted during the late twentieth and early twenty-first century when scores of “baby boomer” females were abandoned by lifelong husbands suffering from “mid-life crises.” These cast off females were victims of, so called, “no-fault” divorce laws that made it easier for men to blithely discard middle-aged mates, divesting them of financial security, health benefits, and public social standing, without penalty. Such men often moved on to new, younger women (so called “trophy” wives) and new lives while their abandoned “starter” wives were left to fend for themselves in a largely disinterested universe – without so much as a “thank you” for years of cooking, cleaning and child rearing. Perhaps it was only natural these women (often educated children of the radical sixties) embraced female-based economic ventures and grass-roots politicking in an effort to regain some place in society. They were used to working harder for their successes and, being a demographic majority, quickly acquired large blocks of economic and political power. Starting with Hillary Clinton’s original, failed, attempt to secure a Democratic presidential nomination over Barak Obama — which validated the concept of female presidential leadership for women — America and the world in general saw growing female leadership with increasingly strident female-friendly agendas.
Meanwhile, children of these “baby boomer” ground breakers (having lacked structured, focused parenting from their divorced working mothers and spoiled rotten by over solicitous, guilt-ridden, divorced fathers) became too neurotic and self-involved to sustain lasting bonds with one another. Gradually the concept of “family” eroded and casual sex became de rigueur such that dating demanded sexual intimacy and women wishing to forgo sexual relations outside a lasting bond were considered oddballs. This offended even the most sexually liberated older women because it denied them the right to choose. And among “liberated” young females a secret desire for greater emotional relationship intimacy flickered as a low flame of discontent. Eventually droves of frustrated, angry women turned to, so called, “extreme politics” in an effort to be heard. That’s when the BITCH political party began to form and this was followed shortly thereafter by the BAM revolution.
Actually, the formation of BITCH is a popular topic with political pundits and gender historians. Much research has been done into precise mechanisms by which the gender-driven power transfer occurred. Some attribute it to technology — brute physical strength was no longer needed for survival and birth control had released women from the bondage of child bearing and rearing. Others suggest an age-old indifference to women’s physical and emotional needs coupled with a tendency, by men, to value women mainly for their physical attractiveness eventually placed women in a position where they had no choice but to mutiny, worldwide. Then there are those theorists who believe key to it all was Regina (pronounced with a long “i” to rhyme with “vagina”) Hastings. Without her, some say, the revolution could never have occurred.
America’s first BITCH Party candidate, Hastings sailed into office on a landslide victory. The BITCH party symbol, a cougar poised to pounce, took its place next to the, forever after obsolete, ass and pachyderm – which were retained solely for their decorative historical value. Everyone loved President Hastings. Tall, impossibly slender, athletic, with spiky platinum blond hair and dreamy, ice-blue eyes, she was every man’s wet dream…a Barbie doll come to life. She promised (and delivered, although certainly not in the precise way her male supporters envisioned) more and better sex for every man in America. (“A triple X rated movie in every bedroom” was one of her campaign slogans directed towards the male audience.) To women she promised, and delivered, greater voice and power. Her androgynous body language and witty repartee appealed to gays and lesbians and kids were positively disposed towards her because she passed out delicious cookies at all her political rallies. (“Little children are our next generation of voters” she was fond of saying while posing with some gap-toothed, spikey haired youngster.)
Regina’s Vice-President was Sussy (yes, by odd coincidence her name did rhyme with “pussy”) Patel. Sussy was equally, if differently, flamboyant. Short and voluptuous, with cinnamon skin, huge, slanted, silvery-brown eyes and wavy black hair, she carried herself with the grace and style of a Hindu Goddess. Teenage girls worshiped her and loved to mimic her many complex hand gestures and whimsical tilts of the head. Immediately following her installation into office, Patel departed on a prolonged journey of, so called, developing nations — inventorying the status of women everywhere and laying sound groundwork for a worldwide sisterhood. It was a very successful trip. BITCH’s power and influence spread rapidly outside America and into other countries.
The rest, as they say, is history. Although terminating boys was only briefly considered, the “BITCH” party name stuck – just because women liked the sound of it. And, as luck would have it, there turned out to be a far more practical, and humane, solution to the problem of what to do about men. This was developed by female scientists researching and experimenting during those early years of BITCH political power.
While BITCH was achieving worldwide female dominance, these scientists were reexamining old memory and brain chemistry studies from around the end of the twentieth century. Neuroscientists of that era had been fascinated by memory – the ever changing stored pattern of connections between neurons in the brain which allow us to keep track of our lives. Researchers were particularly intrigued by old case studies of individuals who – either because of traumatic injury, disease, or surgical error — had lost temporal lobe integrity. Depending upon their age when they sustained their brain injury, such persons might be able to eat, converse, perform physical tasks and even socialize while not being able to recall their actions from moment to moment in the present. So, for example, they might have learned to read and be able to read but they were unable to recall, say the beginning of a sentence by the time they reached its end.
Dr. Tomisina Boye was one such gender neuroscientist working in this area when she was approached by President Hastings and asked to find a solution for the “Negative Alpha Factor” (as the problem of male need for excitement, aggression, competition, dominance and sexual diversity was called).
Boye performed extensive research and finally approached Hastings and Patel with a possible solution. Rat studies had proven fruitful and now human testing was needed. Hastings and Patel put out the word and a nation wide search for a human male subject was launched – eventually turning up one Chuck Angus, a former Mississippi hog farmer (serving a life sentence for butchering and burying his first two wives in order to marry their successors). Angus became our first human volunteer.
In return for undergoing a surgery (still referred to in contractual paperwork as a “liberation” procedure) Angus was promised release from prison along with a fresh start at a new home in a pleasant rural setting with a brand new wife. He also, however, had to agree to remain under twenty-four-hour-a day-seven-days-a-week surveillance for the remainder of his life. BITCH scientists would observe and carefully document every aspect of his post liberation behavior until his death.
Thrilled, Angus (who was an unpopular inmate) couldn’t wait to grab pen and paper to sign off. After preliminary testing and surgical clearance, he was stripped, prepped, and wheeled into a government run operating theatre. There, while he lay awake on the operating table, his scalp anesthetized, surgeons carefully drilled a pair of holes just above his eyes, lifted the front of his brain with a small spatula-like instrument and excised portions of his hippocampus and the surrounding medial temporal lobes – sucking them out with a metal surgical straw apparatus.
The result was phenomenal.
Angus, always a rebel rouser and skirt chaser even as a youth, suddenly became docile, friendly and totally devoted to his new, fourth, wife (a chunky, bleached blond with small, close-set, porcine gray eyes).
A review of the notes kept by gender researchers demonstrates the following:
It seems that Angus kept on forgetting that his wife was his wife. Every time she came into the room, it was like he was meeting her (and seducing her) for the first time. Having been prepared by researchers, Ethyl (an easy going gal anyway) was perfectly happy to go along with this unusual, but not unpleasant, scenario. Typical, video-taped, exchanges between the couple went something like this:
Ethyl entering the room: “Hey Chuckie, Baby, howz my big daddy doin today?”
Chuck, looking at Ethyl as though she were a stranger: “Well, say now little lady, you are one sexy little gal, aint’cha?. Howz about coming over here to papa.”
Ethyl, taking Chuck’s hand gently and leading him to a pile of wood just outside the front door: “Well, Honey, just think of me as your own little private dancer, here to look after you however you want just as soon as you finish chopping this little ol pile of wood for me and slopping them there hogs. Come’on, Sweetheart, let me show you.” And Ethyl would set Chuck to these familiar tasks which he had performed most of his life and which he therefore was happily able to continued to perform until Ethyl returned to take him back in the house for recreation time.
(Note: An interesting thing about “liberation surgery,” as it is still called, because it is felt to liberate men from their socially disruptive tendencies, is this: So long as the person has been sufficiently trained and socialized before their liberation surgery, they will retain an ability to perform tasks and engage in social behavior recalled from their pre-surgical period. It is only short term memory which eludes them.)
Sex was among Angus’s previously learned behaviors. Therefore, Chuck Angus seduced his wife multiple times daily based upon her request (when not happily completing whatever set of familiar chores she had assigned him). In the old video tapes, Chuck always seems genuinely thrilled to see Ethyl – even naked, although she was a woman of, at least, two-hundred and fifty pounds, most of which appeared to be pure cellulite, with a swinish face set atop an acne-speckled chest. Perhaps because Chuck could not remember how other women looked from moment to moment, he was perfectly happy with his older, somewhat blousy looking wife who he continued to find a sexually enticing first conquest. Sensing she was truly desired, Ethyl, in turn, turned up the heat and their bedroom really was like that promised triple “X” rated movie, all the time. Ethyl was happy and satisfied and Chuck was as pleased with himself as your proverbial pig in excrement.
After these spectacularly successful results of Angus’s case were reported in “The Journal Of Gender Bender Medicine,” numerous other prisoners (and soon many non-incarcerated men as well) began seeking out liberation surgery. Liberation surgery is a relatively painless procedure that, these days, takes less time to perform than it takes to play an uncut version of Leonard Skinard’s “Free Bird” (which, incidentally, is played, even today, at the commencement of every liberation surgery).
When years of research showed that there were no ill effects or shortening of life span from the procedure, it began to be routinely administered to all males at the age of twenty-four following years of rigorous socialization and pre-surgical occupational training. The age of twenty four was chosen because by then, men were presumed to have sufficient memories, training and sexual experience to make positive contributions but, hopefully, had not had sufficient opportunity to join together in any way that might threaten or disrupt BITCH’s power structure.
Like the old joke promises: Women are generally heavier now that they have been liberated from the need to maintain a particular body type to please men. There is very little war or conflict as women leaders merely get together and gossip or trash-talk behind each others’ backs until somehow a peaceful détente is reached over a delicious spa lunch and attention is turned back to accomplishing the job at hand. Those long ago campaign promises of Regina Hastings are, in fact, a reality. Men have non-stop triple “X” rated sex all the time because with every encounter it feels like the first time to them and women respond to this sustained level of sexual enthusiasm by offering men more and better sex than at any prior time in history. Like rats on a treadmill, men happily seduce, re-seduce and seduce once more, those same physically imperfect but happy, satisfied females. It is like some version of paradise revisited.
Naturally men do not vote. They can’t remember the candidates’ names. Neither do they own property or engage in commerce. They don’t need to because their wives take care of all that for them. Because men’s self-destructive tendencies are no longer operative, they tend to live longer resulting in their being more than enough men to go around. Thus women are not forced to compete with one another for male company. And, of course, women are in charge of everything financial now, so they do not need to try and steal one another’s mates to obtain some monetary advantage. Women take better care of the environment (perhaps due to their genetically based “nesting” instincts). World wide politics are harmonious – most conflicts being solved by lengthy talks or ostentatious displays of fashion and home decorating. Life runs smoothly as all women worldwide pull together whenever any serious threat to humanity does occur.
Some say: How ever did men and women get along before the “Progress”? It’s difficult to imagine, they claim. Everyone is happier now, so they say. Everyone, that is, except those small bands of rogue males who somehow managed to escape their liberation procedure and are rumored to be holed up in survivalist encampments worldwide – breeding with kidnapped females and plotting an overthrow of the female-dominated world order. But that is a story for another day.