It was important to Daniel Patrick that Lilah be bad. Only thru Lilah’s badness could Daniel reassure himself of his own goodness and his belief that there was nothing wrong or cruel about the plan.
Believing himself to be “good” and believing others believed him “good” had always motivated Daniel’s behavior. Why? Who knew? Perhaps it was his strict Catholic upbringing. His family was devout. Even as a child, he would spring up (carrot curls bouncing, blue eyes strangely sparkling) to help Sister Mary Catherine wash down blackboards while his fellow middle schoolers slipped worms down one another’s shirt backs and defaced wooden desks with ballpoint pens.
Adult Daniel was still accommodating and approval seeking. Upon being told someone had referred to him as “a really good guy” or “the nicest guy in the world,” his pride would swell. He never considered why this need to be liked. (“Psycho-babble,” “tortured self analysis” weren’t his style.) Niceness along with awkward, lanky charm and face straight out of a Norman Rockwell image served him well. Everyone trusted him completely.
Because of Daniel’s need to be “good,” the plan had taken a fair amount of time to develop. Amazingly, no words were ever spoken between Daniel and Darcy, his lover, in formulating the plan. It simply arose, naturally, out of their mutual, unarticulated, decision to do whatever was necessary, “in the name of love,” to be together — which would require, both realized independently, some sort of plan to eliminate Lilah a/k/a Mrs. Daniel Patrick.
Each understood eliminating Lilah — while protecting Daniel’s private and public image of “goodness” — would require a plan that turned exclusively upon some defect within Lilah, herself, some…badness…that would excuse whatever steps were needed to free Daniel from his lifelong mate. Ironically, some of love’s most difficult partings occur between its nicest lovers – people truly embarrassed about breeching “for better or worse” contracts and/or breaking someone’s heart?
So it was with Daniel Patrick — who never grabbed for the last piece of fried chicken, never used rough language around children and never remained seated on a bus while an elderly, disabled or pregnant rider stood. How could such a man – perhaps in many ways truly a decent human being — leave his wife and child while preserving an outer and inner aura of “good” character? Absent Darcy, Daniel might never have had to even ponder such a question. Now, however, it obsessed him.
Darcy obsessed him — her pale, boyish, body…such a contrast to Lilah’s olive-gold roundness. Darcy winked a lot and frequently smiled flirtatiously where Lilah’s typical cool gaze was reminiscent of a Modigliani portrait. Although seemingly light hearted and easy going, Darcy shared Daniel’s rigid, all-consuming concern with public appearances in a way Lilah never had. Just one more reason Daniel believed Darcy to be his true soul mate. If only they had met thirty years earlier, he lamented. They might have avoided this awkward problem of what to do about Lilah.
Daniel simply could not imagine being like those disreputable cliché husbands who callously abandon wives of a certain age – and, sometimes, their children as well. Unwilling to join such contemptable ranks, Daniel was, initially, frozen in an approach-avoidance quandary. Confiding his thoughts to no one, not even Darcy, he began loosing weight, loosing sleep and having numerous little fender-benders and trip/fall accidents.
Lilah, of course, realized something was wrong. For years she had silently endured Daniel’s moody episodes, small insults and passive-aggressive, manipulations – partly out of love, partly out of her steadfast belief in the overriding decency and goodness of Daniel’s personality. In private, with Lilah, Daniel unleashed a part of his personality others never saw – the part that emerged when Daniel allowed his “goodness” and “niceness” to temporarily rest. Lilah understood Daniel needed to do this from time to time. Her job was to support him thru such episodes. So when she noticed Daniel’s inability to look her directly in the eye, Lilah braced herself and tried, as always, to get Daniel to unburden himself to her — to let out the anger and the “bad” so he could go back to his comfortable fallback position of “good.” When he refused, she let it drop, presuming this odd mood would pass as had so many others.
Lilah Patrick was, above all else, practical, not so concerned with uninterrupted niceness as with keeping everything running smoothly overall. Was she happy? Who knew? A serious woman given to constant introspection, she sometimes wondered that herself. Gazing at her reflection thru dark, upturned eyes she would consider: “Am I pretty? Am I smart? If so, why am I so insecure, so…driven?”
Was it her upbringing – being the oldest child of starving artist parents who pretty much left their kids to raise themselves – that made her so serious? In childhood she had occasionally been forced to beg in the streets for food, and later, as a teenager, lived briefly with a band of Nomadic Gypsies who taught her to earn money telling fortunes. If Daniel stepped gracefully out of a Norman Rockwell, Lilah was spewed from a Jackson Pollock. A bit feminist around the edges, she often spoke abruptly on sober topics. Only with Daniel did she expose that part of herself kept hidden from others, withdrawing her somber cloak and becoming trusting and playful as a child. Daniel, alone, could coax her onto weekend getaways or a night out at a trendy new restaurant. Complex, high strung some might say (especially those favoring Daniel’s brand of bland pleasantness). But crazy? No. Lilah had never crossed that line between neurotic and psychotic.
In fact, if Lilah and Daniel Patrick were very different people, perhaps that’s why they enjoyed such an enviable marriage for so many long years. Each other’s first serious relationship, they immediately formed a strong mutual commitment, married young and completely bypassed carefree dating and “free love” sixties. Was it any surprise, then, within their charmed bubble, both achieved considerable success? Lilah pursued a demanding career in medicine and Daniel found considerable success in real-estate development. (He had this uncanny knack for intuiting which inner-city neighborhoods were about to gentrify. Invariably, he bought market bottom and sold the top — leaving behind blocks of tastefully rehabbed vintage brownstones and cozy little coffee shops.)
Enjoying success for its own sake – Daniel turned most of his disposable income over to Lilah who combined it with her own and deposited everything into conservative investments. By their early forties, the couple had effortlessly accumulated millions in stocks, bonds, investment art and real-estate. It was the eighties. Aside from Daniel’s occasional moodiness and Lilah’s over seriousness, life, for Lilah and Daniel, was very, very, good.
For Agnes Zymilski, fate was not so kind. The young émigré was nine months pregnant and traveling to yet another low-skill, low-pay, job interview when her taxi cab was broadsided by a vehicle operated by a drunk, unlicensed, teenager and knocked into a concrete median. Agnes arrived in Lilah’s ER braced, strapped and chattering nervously. Within minutes, however, she lost her vitals and suddenly began to code leaving a shocked ER staff, including Dr. Lilah Patrick, to surgically remove a full-term baby girl. The child survived and was nicknamed Cookie (after fortune cookies on which ER staffers were snacking when paramedics wheeled Agnes in). When it was subsequently discovered Agnes had no known relatives and the identity of her baby’s father could not be ascertained, it seemed only natural for Dr. Patrick and her husband to step up and commence adoption proceedings (feeling fortune, indeed, had brought Cookie to them).
Fortune smiled upon its namesake. Cookie was beautiful – with naturally curly, blond ringlets and huge, dreamy, blue eyes not unlike those of her adoptive father. Her wealthy, older parents doted upon her – dressing her in tiny black leather motorcycle jackets and pink faux fur coats. “Adorable” people said referring to both child and clothing. “So sweet.” Always willing to share toys, offer her lollypop to a younger child or gently pet a dog, Cookie was “the nicest little girl in the world” everyone agreed. In that regard, too, she was like her adoptive father. Seemingly, but for her traumatic birth, Cookie was destined for an idyllic life…a fact that sometimes worried her serious, high-strung, adoptive mother.
Lilah Patrick worked daily with life and death. While glad Cookie was safe and happy, she wanted to be sure her child was prepared for life in the “real world.” Toward this end, she occasionally rented movies about children in distant lands who lived less privileged lives – children who led drunken horses over mountain crossings to earn money for a sibling’s surgery, or hid their female genitalia in order to remain living and working with a band of all male street performers. Watching with Cookie, Lilah carefully translated subtitles and warned Cookie that life could be hard and unpredictable.
Daniel Patrick observed Lilah’s efforts with considerable frustration. “Why would you want to expose Cookie to all this…this sadness…before it’s necessary?” he kept asking Lilah in a baffled, slightly accusatory tone. Truth be told: He had long been secretly uncomfortable with certain of Lilah’s…ways…(her friendships with street musicians and…were they…Gypsies?… her volunteer work in an Aids Hospice, “What if you bring some disease home?” and her tendency to use, well, “colorful” language when overly excited). This was, however, the first time in their long marriage, where Daniel openly took issue with his wife.
As if to blot out Lilah’s actions, Daniel brought home stacks of children’s videos and sat for hours smiling at the talking cartoon animals, one arm protectively around his little daughter. Could that have been when the seeds of what would later become the plan were first planted…even before Darcy Flowers entered their lives?
Lilah would stare at Daniel in disbelief. They had never been truly at odds before. Why was he doing this? Did cartoons somehow remind him of his own childhood — so unlike her own? Clearly she and he each harbored a very different inner template for child rearing. Too dependent upon her husband to bluntly confront him, she suffered in silence while exaggerated soundtracks and cartoon voices played in the background.
Was Lilah, in retrospect, wise to have prepared her daughter for life’s vicissitudes? Perhaps. As it turned out, when Cookie was about five, her perfect little life did change, suddenly and as catastrophically as during the events of her birth. Only this time instead of a drunk driver, it was Darcy Flowers who collided with her world.
No jazzy saxophone or musky scent foretold Darcy Flower’s arrival. Nor was she tottering on stiletto heals or flashing thigh through the kick slit front of a skintight dress. Organ music, Bach possibly, drifted in from Sunday Evening Worship as little Iris Flowers peaked mischievously out from behind her mother’s voluminous Laura Ashley, flower-print skirt and offered Cookie Patrick a gap-toothed grin. Cookie displayed her own little gap and soon the two ran laughing between tables at the potluck supper for families of incoming Sunday school students.
The rest followed naturally; as children bond so do their parents. “Here’s a juice-box,” “Don’t run, you’ll trip,” you say to another parent’s child trusting they will do likewise with your own. First friends and later, as their parents merged, more like sisters…Iris and Cookie were inseparable.
Darcy, divorcing her fourth spouse (Iris’s dad) was a woman in crises. For Lilah, helping seemed natural: (“I’ll keep Iris during your business trip next week.” or “Join us for Dinner and a movie.”) If Darcy sided with Daniel on certain issues (such as which videos children should watch), well, it was all in the family…wasn’t it? If she frequently turned her scrunch-nosed, eyelash-batting smile towards Daniel, well, Lilah wasn’t a flirty person. If Lilah sensed jealousy, she downplayed her own successes. When Iris’s father moved away, Lilah encouraged Daniel to watch out for little Iris. On Father/Daughter Dance Night, she encouraged him to escort and dance with both little girls.
When did these innocent relationship dynamics change? Was it when Daniel and Darcy sat close together in the darkened observation rooms at Tiny Dancers Ballet School trading life stories while watching their respective daughters pirouette? Or was it, perhaps, when Darcy patted Daniel’s arm remarking: “How lucky Lilah is to have you taking care of everything while she works all those endless hours at the hospital.” Was that when Daniel first questioned whether he did more than his share…being, perhaps, too good to Lilah? Was it then he first imagined how it might feel to have Darcy’s hand on his body again…along with her slender arms embracing him, thin lips kissing him? Was that when he first began to envision the…plan?
Or was it Darcy (who held a Master’s degree in psychology, after all) who first envisioned the plan? Was that why she so frequently complimented Daniel on being so “understanding” about Lilah’s “unique” parenting style. “Without you,” she joked, one day, “Cookie would sure get an ‘unusual’ picture of life.” Her coy smile suggested her remark was meant in a light-hearted rather than mean-spirited way. She quickly added, sympathetically: “Of course Lilah’s ‘individualism’ is understandable given her ‘unconventional’ upbringing.” Once, as if defending Lilah from unknown attackers, Darcey pointed out in a softly admiring voice, “Given her past, one really has to respect her numerous professional achievements, that…relentless…dedication to her career.” Merely a close family friend speaking honestly? Perhaps. Yet Daniel began to wonder – just how off mainstream was his wife and why should he acquiesce in matters which, he suddenly realized, were not entirely in accord with his own preferences? Was Darcy considering, even back then, how Daniel might best be encouraged to leave Lilah and come to her — bringing along a hefty chunk of assets and, if necessary, little Cookie (who was, after all, sweet and not much trouble)?
Whether Daniel or Darcy first envisioned a joint future, both eventually agreed upon it.” This happened one night at Girl Scout Camp. Sneaking off and falling lustfully upon one another, in a pile of slimy leaves about a mile or so from camp, the “lovers” liberated months of pent-up physical yearnings – while little Cookie and Iris, drowsy and red-cheeked, roasted marshmallows and listened to scary camp-fire stories. Standing up and brushing off the dirt, Daniel and Darcy wordlessly reached a mutual decision to share their future. From then on, it was merely a question of how…what could be done about Lilah and Cookie (Lilah, really, as both knew Daniel couldn’t leave Cookie).
Their elegant plan evolved naturally as Darcy and Daniel continued sharing “concerns” about Lilah’s “offbeat” parenting style – first with each other, later with other church families, their minister and eventually a psychiatrist or two. Both Daniel and Darcy expressed sympathy over Lilah’s “unusual childhood” which probably accounted for her “eccentric parenting style,” as well as her “overzealous dedication to her work” – “ridiculous” when one considered Daniel’s own financial success. Lilah needn’t (and in her place Darcy wouldn’t, she assured everyone) work at all. Didn’t such “fanatic” devotion to career “detract from Lilah’s dedication to motherhood”? And volunteering with aids patients “…mightn’t she bring some disease home? “… sometimes she actually took Cookie with her.” “Poor Cookie deserves better…should be protected from ‘inappropriate’ ‘adult’ concepts.” Everything was said with professed respect for Lilah’s professional accomplishments and sympathy regarding her own “offbeat” upbringing. Nothing heavy-handed…a word here and there.
The plan relied heavily upon a natural human tendency to exaggerate and gossip. Systematically, behind her back and before her peers, Lilah was damned…all in a well-meaning, “nice” way. People began suggesting that the right thing…the “good” thing might be to take little Cookie away somewhere where Daniel could parent her in a more conventional manner without Lilah’s “kooky” influence. Daniel being “such a good guy” would, of course, be “clueless” as to how to extricate himself and his daughter, people felt. “Fortunately, Darcy Flowers, however, knew a thing or two about divorce law and could help however necessary.” It was, after all, for the best interests of the child.
In short order, the plan appeared to conclude successfully. “For Cookie’s sake,” Daniel filed for divorce. He lucked out when their case was assigned to an older male judge who was hostile toward career women and took great satisfaction in punishing them for their “liberation” by awarding custody to fathers whenever possible. “It’s in Cookie’s best interest for me to award custody to Mr. Patrick who offers a more stable environment,” the judge announced peering sourly over his glasses at Lilah. “As primary caretaker, Mr. Patrick shall also receive the bulk of the assets within the marital estate.” He paused. “Given Mrs. Patrick’s auspicious career, I trust there will be no need to consider alimony,” he concluded dryly – rising and sweeping out of the courtroom, black robes swirling, before further argument could be made.
“Justice” was rendered so swiftly Lilah never knew what hit her. One day she was a beloved wife and mother, the next a total outcast — expelled from her own life for reasons which she hadn’t yet, but of course later would, come to fully understand. Not that eventually understanding Daniel’s and Darcy’s betrayal made it any easier.
Lilah’s life slowly became meaningless…holidays spent alone or as an extra guest at another family’s celebration. Small things brought excruciating pain. The answering machine at Daniel and Darcy’s new house, for example, said:
“Hello, you have reached,” now individual voices called out: “Daniel,” “Iris,” “Cookie,” “and Darcy” Darcy’s cool voice concluded, “the Patrick family,” a brief pause. “Leave your message and we’ll get back to you.”
Every time Lilah heard Darcy say: “the Patrick family” her mind twisted in unpleasant directions.
Lilah had visitation, of course – at first joyful reunions with hugs and kisses between herself and Cookie, who often cried out “Mommy” at night and had to be moved (much to Iris’s confusion) into Daniel and Darcy’s bed “to calm down.” Eventually, however, Cookie – who over time or thru her circumstances had grown less sweet and more assessing — came to understand Lilah possessed no parental voice or authority and that favor could be gained with Daddy (and Darcy) by politely rebuffing her mother’s affections.
Was Mommie…”bad,” wondered Cookie. If not, why would Daddy send her away. Cookie did not want to be sent away, or to loose her father’s love. Thus she concluded she might do well to avoid Mommy. Plus Mommy wasn’t easily bossed around like Daniel and Darcy (the former out of guilt, the latter struggling to keep “her man” satisfied).
As Cookie seemingly lost interest in her, Lilah’s sense of motherhood weakened. She became more distant figurehead than living, breathing parent. Perhaps she allowed this to happen to spare herself further pain. Perhaps it was a process neither mother nor child could prevent? Now Iris’s mommy gave Cookie dinner, read her (cheerful, appropriate) bedtime stories, drove her to and from school (where, sometimes, she found trinkets in her locker, left by her mother who drove to school and dropped them off to remind Cookie her Mommy was still around.) Eventually Cookie acquiesced in Lilah’s banishment from her life. Eventually Lilah, too, came to see her limited role in Cookie’s life — working longer hours at the hospital and at Hope House Aids Hospice Center to distract herself and ease her pain.
Was it pure coincidence that around this time, internationally acclaimed jazz choreographer, Niel Johnson, lost his life partner to, and, began suffering himself from, full-blown aids – coming (as a wealthy “self-pay”) to Hope House where his childhood friend, Lilah, volunteered? Or did the plan have a life of its own which it was not quite finished interposing onto the destiny of Lilah Patrick and those she loved?
Sitting by Niel’s bedside watching a taped dance performance by his protégé (a female Middle Eastern dancer whose work reflected such fundamentalist concepts as the stoning death of adulterers), Lilah remembered Niel’s earlier flamboyant years – his skin like oiled ebony, his Greek God body. Now he was ashy skinned, barely eating…wasting away before her very eyes. Also, like her, he was alone. His last remaining hope was to be reunited with his Southern, Christian Fundamentalist family. But when Lilah called, they made it clear they had disowned him years before. Upon hearing that, Niel seemed to lose heart. He kissed Lilah on the cheek, told her he was making her sole beneficiary of his considerable estate and refused all further medications.
Lilah’s brain shifted dangerously. The wrongness of families split…of all life’s injustices…suddenly seemed unbearable. Lilah began to slip into a strange state of mind unlike any she had ever before experienced. Was she moving over the edge or simply witnessing, clear-eyed, her apparent destiny of emptiness and sorrow? Who can say? What is clear is that this was when the plan – which, no doubt, had always possessed an existence outside the corporal shells and consciousness of its executioners Daniel and Darcy – insinuated itself into Lilah Patrick’s troubled mind.
Continuing to monitor Niel’s blood work even after he refused further medical measures, Lilah still took draws while he slept, slipping them into cardboard envelopes she labeled and dropped off at the lab on her way out each evening. Niel would sleep thru these blood draws and awoke only once, the night he died, just after she began her draw. She withdrew her needle quickly and thrust the whole collection kit into a cardboard envelope in her purse before taking Niel’s hand into her own.
“Marvelous show,” he said smiling weakly,” his breathing labored. “But I’m feeling so tired…think I’ll retire early. You carry on for us, Luv.” Suddenly, Niel was gone and Lilah could only sit staring into empty darkness crying until faint sounds of Christmas carols from a radio at the nurse’s station reminded her Cookie was starring in a church play that very evening as The Virgin Mary. Given the hour, Lilah would barely make it. Grabbing her bag, she ran out to her car and sped Churchward.
The audience was already jam-packed and the curtain going up when Lilah breathlessly slipped into the only remaining seat – next to Darcy – who, smiling thinly, remarked: “Everyone worried you wouldn’t come…Cookie looked for you.”
How much more Cookie would see me, Lilah thought bitterly, if only you hadn’t seduced my husband and stolen my family. Her mind was spinning. Someone like Niel, never hurts a soul and dies lonely while Darcy sits, almost too alive, in her open-backed leotard top, flaunting a Bermuda suntan, her stolen husband by her side.
These thoughts made Lilah so lightheaded she reached into her bag for a tin of hard candies she relied on to combat occasional bouts of low blood sugar. Was it then, when her fingers brushed across the cardboard envelope from the collection kit she had forgotten to drop at the lab, that the plan moved towards conclusion?
Auditorium lights dimmed. Darcy frowned reproachfully as Lilah fumbled in her purse. No patience, Darcy thought. Probably checking for one of those silly professional journals she always drags around to read in spare moments. Arching forward so as to draw attention to her slender torso, she glanced toward Daniel, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. His mild smirk assured her that he shared her disapproval.
Smiling smugly, Darcy was relaxing back into her seat when she felt an odd pricking sensation on her bare back which caused her to cry out “Ohhh” so loudly a few people turned and stared as Darcy stood up to examine her chair mumbling “something poked me.” Ironically, it was Lilah who, quickly and efficiently, examined the chair behind Darcy while simultaneously reaching into her purse and pulling out a Kleenex to dab at the small puncture wound on Darcy’s bare back. “There must have been a splinter or something in your seat,” Lilah remarked calmly.
Regaining her composure, Darcy shook her head, once again, at Lilah who, Darcy noticed, in her “typically career focused way,” had apparently forgotten to remove her latex examination gloves before leaving work.
With her gloved hands, Lilah gathered the blood stained Kleenex and offered to deposit it in a trash basket — returning to her seat just as youthful actors filed onto the stage to robust audience applause. “There’s a tiny bit of blood on your top,” Lilah whispered to Darcy, smiling. “But I’m sure everything will come out in the wash. Just relax and enjoy the show.”
Immediately after Christmas, Lilah cut back her hours at the aids hospice and the hospital. Was it her massive inheritance from Niel that finally gave her courage to let go? Or was the plan still tying up a few loose ends?
Lilah’s strange mental state lifted and she began to feel like her old self again…even better, maybe. In fact she had not felt so clear headed, in a long time. So when asked a few weeks after Christmas to look after Cookie and Iris, she cheerfully agreed. Darcy had apparently contracted some awful flu — causing swollen glands, night sweats, rapid weight loss and lack of energy — perhaps on her various vacation travels. Soon Daniel came down with it as well. From that time forward, both Daniel and Darcy were continuously troubled by intermittent, unexplained, medical issues that began depleting their energies. More and more they depended upon the assistance of Lilah who, luckily, was happy to help.
When everyone noticed how devotedly Lilah cared for Cookie and Iris, and even Daniel and Darcy, they decided “earlier rumors about her must have been inaccurate.” Clearly Lilah was neither a workaholic nor an indifferent parent. Did she have “an odd take on life”? People shrugged. “Maybe, but was that such a bad thing”? After all, you had to admire someone who could come through what Lilah had and still turn the other cheek. In the end, it was agreed that Lilah’s “family” was “very lucky, indeed, to have Lilah to take care of them and keep everything running so smoothly according to plan.”