Por lo que hago, for what I do, to la Senora, I feel sorry. But I am just a woman living my life. I must take care of mis hijos, my sons, Raul and Juanito. After that, there is not so much left for me. Still, when I think of la Senora’s eyes when I see her that last time – standing by the door of school while I lead her boy, Nicholas, away — I am always feeling, how you say, avergonzado, ashamed. It was she, giving me my first chance here, in America, when I come, pregnant with Juanito, Raul in my arms, looking for work after Jesus is gone.
That was quince anos, fifteen years, ago. I only have eighteen years then and still smelling the Coyote when I come to la Senora looking for work. “What have you for experience?” she asks me. “Nothing but I cook and clean good for you,” I say. So she tells me “O.K. Come tomorrow,” and I have job. I am so happy I take Raul to eat at the restaurant with the clown face and my cousin says I can pay her some rent from my money la Senora gives me and live in her basement. She will watch Raul when I go work.
La Senora is nice. “You call me Fawn,” she tells me “like the animal.” She is like that animale, in English they call “deer.” She is nervous and quick like that, maybe scare easy, but still I call her “Senora.” La Senora teaches me many things. Even cooking and cleaning, she has special ways to do. I try my best and when I make mistake La Senora, Fawn, she forgives me.
One time she gives me dress: “To clean,” she says. So I take to sink, I put in special soap for good cloths because is a very nice dress, many colors and very lustroso, how you say, shiny. So when I look in the water I think: “Unh oh, maybe she want me take to the cleaner store not wash myself.” But now too late. Then comes la Senora and see what I do. I see in her face, I make big mistake. Maybe she sees I know now. But she not say one word. No loud talk. No get mad. She turns face from me and I hear she make little sound like cold in the nose. Then she walks away. “My favorite dress,” she say, very quite, when she is going. Then she never talk about this again.
Besides cooking and cleaning, I help la Senora with her son Nicholas. He is a good boy. He has two years when I come, like my Raul. Some times those boys play together and la Senora takes them special places like circus or to sail on boat. Sometimes I go too. La Senora loves her boy more than everything. And he loves her. Sometimes el esposo, the husband, of la Senora gets mad. He, Mr. Alex, says: “Boy must be like man. Not too close to mother.” I am thinking, how about my Raul and Juanito. Their papa is gone. I am all they have. So we must be very close. Still they are good boys. When Mr. Alex comes home, always la Senora run away to her bedroom, quick, like “fawn,” and leave little Nicky with his father. I am thinking: How sad for la Senora. I am glad Jesus is not here to take my boys from me this way.
Mr. Alex has many ideas about boys. “Not too many baths,” he say. “Not too early to bed.” I know la Senora is not always agreeing with Mr. Alex. “Boy must play sports,” says Mr. Alex. “No piano for boy.” I feel sad because Nicholas loves piano and when Mr. Alex is not home he plays all the time like his mother. Those two love piano more than everything. When Mr. Alex is home, only la Senora can play. I am thinking: Is this how you make a man in America? Back in Mexico, my little brother, Carlos always play guitar. My Papa, he loves that. He will sit in garden under tree for listen to Carlos play. Mama, she brings them liminada and listen too. But, my Papa, is poor man. My brother, Carlos, too. He have only his guitar. Mr. Alex is muy rico, very rich. Maybe he knows best way how to make little boy grow up to be rich man in America.
Mr. Alex says: “Boy needs to dress for success.” When little Nicky goes to school he must wear blue jacket and pale brown pants and white shirt just like Papa. Maybe when he is big, he have that little hair on his face, how you say, mustache, like his Papa, too. He is dark like Papa. La Senora “Fawn” is pale everywhere, pale hair, pale skin, pale eyes. Like una fantasma, a ghost. And she is very small.
I am so happy working with la Senora. So I stay and stay for many years. At first, la Senora is paying me from money Mr. Alex gives to her “to run the house.” So I not get too much money. Mr. Alex not like me there. He tell la Senora: “Why we need help? You no work. Why you no stay home and take care of house.” But later he say: “Maria, you are O.K..” And he give la Senora more money so she gives me more. Still it is not a lot. But I do not need too much because I am afraid to pay any taxes. No one knows I am here. I am not legal in America. My son Juanito is. Juanito is born after my crossing. He is American citizen.
Sometimes I have so much fun with la Senora. I work hard, si. Now, when la Senora goes to her job at the little tienda, store, she open and sell jewelry she makes, I watch Nicky and take to school and cook and clean the house. Pero when la Senora is at home, we are como amigas, like friends. We talk. We take our boys some place together. La Senora have many other friends. Me too. Friends in my neighborhood. But between us I feel is like a special friendship because we tell everything to each other, no secrets. When I have a problem, I talk to la Senora. She always try to help me.
One time I want to bring my sister Lupe from Mexico. La Senora, she calls the Counsel’s office. She give me the money for plane ticket. I try to help la Senora too. Many times la Senora is sick. She is, muy debil, how you say, weak, not strong. I try to take special care for her. I cook special food and everything. Then la Senora says: “Maria, what would I do without you. I can not imagine.” I laugh but Mr. Alex gets mad. “You should make yourself get up,” he tell her. “Is bad to be weak.” Later when la Senora’s old Papa comes to live with them, Mr. Alex is more mad. “Why not take him to old people home?” he says. But la Senora says: “No, no, no!” So I help la Senora take care of old Papa too. Is good I am here. Mr. Alex does not have la panciencia, the patience, for sick people or old people. But he makes mucho dinero, a lot of money.
One day there is a big rally for immigration. All my friends say: “Maria you must march. Every person counts. We will only get rights if they see everyone come out.” So I go to ask la Senora if I can take off one day to go march. “Oh Maria,” she says, “This not a good day. Mr. Alex has some business mens for supper tonight.” Maybe she wants me say: “O.K., I not go.” But I just put my head down. She see. “This is really important for you isn’t it, Maria?” la Senora says to me. “Yes,” I tell her truth. “O.K.” she says. “You go, I will make Mr. Alex business dinner.” And so I go. Our rally is big success. Mr. Alex’s dinner big success too.
Later I find out that la Senora has an old friend who lives far, far away – in Australia. For fifteen years this friend not come to Los Estados Unidos, The United States. That rally day, they are supposed to see each other. But, la Senor stay home and make the dinner so I can go to the rally. Now friend is gone. Maybe she never see again. When Mr. Alex find out la Senora not go see old friend, he says: “That is ridiculous. Why do that? Why make special favors for people who brake the law to come here illegally?” I feel ashamed because I think he knows I am illegal and one son. “Tell me this,” he says and now he look at me: “If people come to America, why they don’t learn our language. Why we must have everything in our country in two languages. Ridiculous! If people want to live in America” he says, “they should learn to speak American.” I feel bad because I feel he is talking to me because I do not speak too well. Then, in my head I have a funny thought. I am thinking: He means English…not American but English. But, of course, I say nothing and just put my head down till he is through.
All this is before my sister Lupe comes to America. Lupe is very beautiful, always. She is the most beautiful in my family and in our whole village. One reason Lupe is so beautiful is her eyes. You will not believe this but they are blue, like the ocean blue. Nobody knows where Lupe got her blue eyes. No one in our village has blue eyes but they say my Mama’s abuela, her grandmama, have eyes like these. Boys always love Lupe for her blue eyes. People like to talk to her just to see those eyes. Then she comes to America (illegal). Here many people have blue eyes, but still Lupe looks most beautiful.
One day Lupe comes to visit me at the house of la Senora. She is bringing Raul and Juanito so we will take them to see movies with little Nicky. Mr. Alex and one young man from his office are there and that man starts talking to Lupe and smiling so much. Lupe can not understand him. So she just smiles and look at him with her blue eyes. Right away he asks her if sometime she will come out with him. Mr. Alex says: “Bob, can I have a word with you.” I am listening hard and I hear only this few words: “illegal immigrant,” and “asking for trouble.” Then Bob comes back and he is standing very tall and red in his face and he is talking some more to Lupe. In a few days, they go out. Then he is teaching her English and she is teaching him Spanish and those two are all the time together. Lupe learns to talk so good that la Senora find her a school to go to. Then, you will not believe this, but pretty soon, Lupe and Bob are getting married and she is getting her papers for being American citizen. (Lupe she has all the luck.) I know Mr. Alex not like Lupe and Bob to get married. But now he very careful when he talk about “los illegales.”
So now I am working for la Senora very long time. Many many years. Then I see something is wrong. Some mornings I come, la Senora look like she cries. I ask her: “You are o.k.?” I am worried. She tell me: “Yes, Maria, everything fine.” Then one time I come I hear Mr. Alex talking loud and very mad. When he go, I ask what is problem. Still she not tell me. So I watch very careful. I see that la Senora and su esposa, her husband, Mr. Alex, are no happy. I feel they are no together anymore. I find some pillows from bed in sofa and Mr. Alex puts all his clothes in the hall closet. I see little Nicky he is always upset. When he will try to go to sit by his Mama, Mr. Alex say: “Nicholas, go to your room now and do you homework.” And Fawn doesn’t say nothing just look and her pale eyes looking so sad. I feel sorry for them. But what I can do? I am only work here. Then comes the telephone call.
One day telephone rings. “Kofsky residence” I say. “Is Al there?” says a lady voice – very low and soft. (I am thinking: Who is this woman calling for Mr. Alex.?) I say: “Mr. Kofsky no here now, you like I take a message?” But she say, “Is this his residence?” “Yes,” I say “You give me name?” But she is too clever. “I’ll call back,” she says. And I do not like the sound of her. So I ask la Senora: “Mr. Alex has woman in his business?” She say: “No. Why you ask me?” And I tell her about that telephone call and she is shaking very much and put hand on her mouth. Next morning when I come, la Senora and Mr. Alex they are fighting very bad with loud voice and they still wear same yesterday clothes. Bed same like yesterday too and little Nicky is hiding in the room of old Papa. I make them some food and I try not get in way of them. But I am thinking: “What happen now? Maybe I loose job.” But later, everything is o.k. like nothing happen.
Then many things happen. My Raul gets very sick. El tiene una fiebre muy alta… a very high fever. He needs some medicine, very expensive, all the time. I need much money. My friends say: “We have another march. You come. You never get more money if we no march. Every person must come to help.” So I go to la casa, the house, of la Senora and tell her this day I can no work. I must go to march. She is very sick but she says: “O.K.” And I fix everything for her and I am going to go when it rings, the telephone. It is Mr. Alex and he say: “ Maria, tonight I bring some clients home for supper and you cook special dinner for them.”
But I say: “Is a problem. I no can do this. I go to march. And la Senora is sick.” Mr. Alex says: “No, you not go to march. Clients more important. You must make food.” I say: “I cannot.” Then he tell me: “Then you are fired.” I know many people are fired for take off work to march. Now one more. I feel so bad, I put down telephone and go right out the door. I am not even saying “good by” to la Senora, just go to the march. But when I am marching I am very scared because now I have no job. How I will buy the medicine for my boy.
Later I feel more bad. I miss la Senora. I like to call her but I not know what to say. I am using my last money to buy Raul’s medicine. It is two, maybe three months, now, I am gone. I am looking for work everywhere but no jobs. Lupe is giving me some money. But Bob is not rich like Mr. Alex. I must pay rent, food, medicine. I need more money.
One day I get the letter that they go to stop my telephone because I not pay. Then telephone rings. Man says: “Hello Maria, how have you been?” Is Mr. Alex, I know, but he not sound like his self. Talk very soft and nice.
“I am o.k.” I say.
“Did you find a new job yet?” he ask.
I am wondering: Why is he asking me this? “Not yet,” I say.
“Perhaps I was ‘bit hasty’ before,” he tells me and now I feel hope. Maybe he will let me come back to his house and work with la Senora and Nicky again. So I say nothing, just wait. Then, you will not believe this, but he says: “I like you come and work for me.” I feel so happy. “I will pay you double what you get before,” he says and now I am smiling big and make cross on my body and thinking: Gracias Dios, Thank you God. Now I can pay telephone and get more medicine for Raul.
“I miss la Senora much,” I say. “And little Nicky too.” Then he tells me: “You go to be working for me now, Maria. My wife and I are getting a divorce.” Now, I am catching my breath. “So, you not say anything to anyone because I no tell her yet. You understand?” Mr. Alex says. I say nothing. I am too much surprised. “It is best for Nicholas he have someone he know with him” he say. Then he says something that makes me feel too bad: “I am not sure Nicholas mother will…’survive the transition.’ You know she is very…” He no say more but I understand. I think of la Senora, pale, weak, like little fawn animal. “You think tonight. Come to my office tomorrow morning and give me your answer,” he says. He tells me la direccion, the address, for his office and then hang up.
All night I am tossing and turning. I can no sleep. I need this job. But la Senora is my friend. I think, in my heart, Mr.Alex want to see la Senora sick so he take little Nicky for himself. Maybe he hope la Senora go to be like fawn. En la noche, at night, when you drive, fawn will come in front of automobile. If la luz, the light, she shine in her eye fawn will stop still, no move. They are looking at that light when it come close, close and then hit and kill. Finally I sleep. Then I have bad dream. In my dream I remember Mexico. One night at a fiesta. I find my cousin Raquel with my Jesus. Raquel is laughing and hug and kiss Jesus. Then, she see me and looks guilty but still she stay by him. In her eyes, I see she is not sorry to kiss my Jesus and she knows he is with me. I remember I feel so sad. Now maybe I am like Raquel…una mujer sin el corozon..a woman without heart. But if I not buy food and medicine for my boys, who is doing this? I no have papers so, for me, is hard finding job. I must feed my boys and buy medicine. So maybe I think one way but I must do something different.
When comes morning, I know what I must do. I know working for Mr. Alex not same like before. No marching. No friendship. I know when I am helping Mr. Alex, I am hurting la Senora. But I am saying to myself: maybe is better for her Nicky if I am here when Mr. Alex take him. I know Mr. Alex. If he want Nicky, he will take. Nobody can stop him. That much I know for sure.
So now I go (my first time) to office of Mr. Alex in tall glass building. I see many beautiful women dress very nice there. One take me to the office of Mr. Alex. I see one lady sitting there too. She is calling him “Al, honey.” To me she sound like the lady on telephone. I see right away they are together. “Ah Maria, good to see you,” Mr. Alex says. He is coming out from his desk and hugs me, like we are old friends. “Lana, this is Maria. She will take care of Nicky at our new house, right?” He smiles at me but smile is cold. This woman smile at me too but not real smile (like the smile of la Senora). This woman is smiling only in la boca, the mouth, pero no in los ojos, the eyes. Right away I do not like her. Too thin and mean face, pretty but sharp like bird. “That is if you accept the job,” Mr. Alex says still smiling at me. He smells like lemons, is more thin than before and wearing new suit I never see.
“I accept” I say. But I put down my head when I say this because I feel very bad in my heart.
“Good,” says Mr. Alex. “Now this is the plan.”
Mr. Alex tells me big plan. He will file divorce paper in court. Same time, he will file segundo caso, second case, for “domestic violence.” “This way we get temporary custody of Nicholas,” say Mr. Alex. “We take to new house,” he smile at this Lana, “and my wife go to be so upset, probably she act crazy and judge give me Nicholas permanent.” He smile at this woman again. “Is best for Nicholas,” say Mr. Alex. “His mother not stable.” He is looking at me very serious. “This plan secret,” he say. “No tell anyone.”
Then Lana smile mean smile and say: “Probably Nicholas mother not fight. She is not strong.” She smile at Mr. Alex and he says:
“Maria you take care of Nicky. Take to school, feed. You understand?” I nod but keep my head down. “Nicholas’s mother not supposed to talk to him or see him right now.” Mr. Alex says.
“Maybe she do something crazy,” says Mean-Face.
Mr. Alex says: “Today, Maria, you go when school finish and pick up Nicholas. You understand?” I nod yes. “His mother go to be there too because she not know about any of this yet. But Nicky not go with her or talk to her. You understand?” I feel sad but I shake head yes. “You bring my son back to our new house.” He is smiling at Mean Face when he say “our new house.” Then he look at me. “Can you handle that?” I put my head down more low but nod yes again. “Good girl,” says Mr. Alex. He pat me on shoulder. Then he pull out money from the pocket and give to me.
Mean Face watch money very careful. Then she say: “I’ll go get car, Al, honey, we need pick up more things for new house.” Then she kiss Mr. Alex and go to leave smiling that mean smile. (I want say: No touch. No call “Al, honey.” Mr. Alex belong to la Senora Fawn, not you. But I say nothing.) “Nice to meet you,” Mean Face say.”
Not nice, I am thinking. Nothing “nice” here. Everything very bad what you do. I am ashamed I do what I do now. I am wishing la Senora can surprise everyone be strong, keep her boy. But I think no possible for her because she too small, not strong. Maybe I am wrong for do what I do. But maybe I help little Nicky. If mama get too sick, Nicky need someone. Still, I feel very bad for what I will do. But I am just one woman. I must live. I must take care of my children. Para mujeres, la vida nunca es faciel. For women, life is never easy.