Divorce was the opportunity of a lifetime for Judy Steiner. Before ink was dry on her decree, she used what she learned in her own divorce to launch “Ladies First” a divorce survival workshop for women. Judy had twenty-one years of copywriting experience (with Liars, Slutz & Gains, a tiny but heavily capitalized advertising agency specializing in loud, aggressive, “operators-are-standing-by-waiting-to-take-your-call” t.v. retailers). Relying on this, she collaborated with her two closest friends to create a series of spin off seminars, books, DVDs and other “Ladies First” self-help products all targeted to, mostly, middle-aged divorcing women. “Ladies First” was an overnight sensation.
Like Judy, her partners (Lillian and Maxine) had been similarly abandoned by middle-aged husbands suffering from some form of midlife crisis and determined to blame an ex-wife for their own inner, auto-pilot, self-destruct program. Thus, all three had great personal empathy for their clients and customers – middle-aged, female victims of divorce.
Maxine’s Kenneth had walked out on his lucrative patent/trademark law practice to become, all jokes aside, a circus clown. (Well, mime, actually which, given his brooding silences over all their years of marriage, struck Maxine as ironically appropriate.) Lilly’s ex, Robby, formerly a successful general contractor, suddenly retreated from her and from life in general and now spent his days sitting around a shabby, furnished room in his underwear, grousing about life’s “pointlessness” and drinking cheap beer. (Lilly sometimes mused that, perhaps, she should have left him, while they were still young, to follow his dream of becoming an rock guitar player instead of encouraging him to use his MBA to capitalize on the, then booming real estate market– the collapse of which apparently propelled him into this depressed state.) Clearly he was dealing with some sort of unfinished business. (But what was done was done, wasn’t it?)
Of all the ex-husbands, Judy’s Jeffrey offered the most conventional presentation of male mid-life crises. First, he fought her for a lion’s share of their joint assets. Then he promptly rushed off to lay these at the feet of a tiny, nubile “trophy” wife. He showed no remorse for abandoning Judy, without warning, on September 11th, 2001 — a day that came to have deep significance to all Americans but which also happened to be Judy’s fifty-fifth birthday. There was another ugly twist to Jeffrey’s departure. This concerned his exceedingly poor choice of new love object – a choice Judy found unforgivable. (But, more about that later.)
Each departing husband claimed his ex-wife’s craziness left him no choice but to leave. Each swore that but for his “ex-wife’s insanity” he would have happily remained married. Each man depicted himself as loyal, faithful and grievously misunderstood. In that regard, all three ex-husbands were true to some unofficial but universally acknowledged playbook-for-departing-husbands protocol.
Of course, years later, when each ex-husbands’ life continued to careen forward on a downward trajectory, was each husband forced to admit that perhaps some problems of their earlier marriage had been of their own making. There was also, eventually, a grudging acknowledgement that perhaps divorce had not been the anticipated panacea (and might even have been a huge mistake). But such insights would only come much later on after everyone’s life had undergone numerous drastic changes.
While ex-husbands foundered, ex-wives enjoyed (financially, at least, thanks to “Ladies First”) considerable newfound successes. Between Judy’s background in advertising, Lilly’s in social work and Maxine’s as a lawyer, the three divorcees skillfully ministered to their workshop attendees –- flocks of stunned middle-aged women searching desperately for a post-divorce lifeline.
Each partner had her own special gift to offer “Ladies First” clients. Where Max gave brisk, precise (and somewhat Machiavellian) tips for securing custody and maximizing marital property settlements, Lilly offered warm encouragement. “Try to view this phase of your life not as an insurmountable tragedy but rather as merely a change in circumstances,” she gently urged with a serene, calming smile. “Consider yourself fortunate to have this unique opportunity for personal growth and development.”
Some women got it. Others, including Judy, herself, did not. So while Max and Lilly tended clients, she kept business records straight and churned out more promotional materials. Soon women sporting beaked caps, black leather bomber jackets and totes – all bearing a tiny but distinctive, Schiaparelli pink, scripted “Ladies First” logo, featuring a reclining Rubenesque female figure — were everywhere. It was surprising to everyone, really, how many middle-aged women, and women generally, were, in fact, divorce survivors.
As word of their unique seminars spread, Judy, Max & Lilli received invitations for speaking engagements, radio, television and podcast talk show appearances. Show hosts especially loved questioning them about one of their spin-off workshops entitled: “Keeping A Close, Loving Friendship With Your Ex-spouse.”
“Isn’t this just the complete opposite of what we’re usually told to do when we get divorced,” interviewers would drawl – attempting to set up their guest for what they hoped would be a ratings-boosting controversy. “Doesn’t conventional wisdom say we should maintain polite but distant relationships with ex-spouses — and then only when it’s necessary for joint parenting? Isn’t the whole point of divorce to get on with our lives without our ex-spouses?”
Maxine was best at fielding these sorts of questions – maybe because she actually still did maintain a close, loving relationship with her clownish ex-husband or maybe just because lawyers are often smooth talkers. Lilly, too, was usually able to gently articulate Ladies First’s official position on friendship between e-spouses which was, roughly, this:
“Everyone agrees that, in a divorce, the ‘best interests’ of the children are paramount. That is the law in most jurisdictions. Right?” (Here Lilly would usually pause and smile serenely.) “Now can we agree that kids won’t be O.K. if their parents are not O.K.? And how can the parents be O.K. if they have ugly unfinished business between them? So, isn’t it important, for the children’s sake, that efforts be made to right any wrongs between ex-spouses and attempt to heal and reunite all family members, including parents, in friendship even where continued marriage is not feasible.” (Here Lilly would look up like a small child who has just mastered a difficult puzzle and add calmly) “Just as we rehabilitate ex-felons and former substance abusers, encouraging them to look inward and heal themselves, shouldn’t we encourage divorcing spouses to try and heal themselves, each other and their relationship for their own sake as well as that of their children, friends and, indeed, society as a whole?”
Many seminar attendees had trouble with what they considered this “loving your ex-spouse” nonsense. For some, lies, betrayal and public humiliation were difficult to forget. Clinging to one another like shipwreck survivors, they recounted stories worthy of the most raucous television talk show. They simply could not fathom forgiveness and a reconfigured relationship with their ex. Judy understood.
“You are the source of all my misery,” Judy recalled Jeffrey having once said, as she stood before him confused and sobbing uncontrollably. “You have sucked all joy out of my world and I would rather be dead than remain married to you.” Hearing such words, Judy, like many women, feared some deep flaw within herself was to blame for the loss of her marriage. Many women could not overcome such an ego blow and a few even admitted, in the workshops, that divorce had caused them to contemplate suicide out of a belief in their own essential unworthiness.
In Judy’s case, it was only after the divorce, when Jeffery was diagnosed with clinical depression so severe that even his miniature new wife and substantial doses of mood-altering drugs could not assuage it, that Judy began to understand. It had been about him, not her, all along. She now realized how accepting Jeffrey as he was (out of love and loyalty) may not have been her smartest course of action. Freed from his dark moodiness, she now had demons of her own to wrestle – most of which actually were a byproduct of their failed marriage. Although she never stated this insight, in an accusatory way, to Jeffrey, forgiveness seemed out of the question.
Jeffrey had departed swiftly and cruelly — hurtling vicious, untrue recriminations at Judy from within the folds of his new lover’s floor length satin nightgown. This would have caused Judy pain enough but Jeffrey managed to notch up his cruelty a bit by choosing, as his new love, Susie Stein.
Tiny, blond Susie Stein was young enough to be Judy’s adult daughter. She also just happened to be Judy’s immediate supervisor at Liers, Slutz & Gains as well as having been, Judy had thought, a friend of sorts. Jeffrey could not have chosen a more inappropriate paramour. His affair with Susie caused his betrayal to spread, like an infectious disease, from within the privacy of their personal lives throughout Judy’s entire professional world.
Ironically, Jeffrey had packed his suitcases and crept out of their downtown townhouse in the early morning hours of September 11, 2001. Later in the day, as the world trade center imploded and Judy, newly fifty-five, sat alone, crying, she could not help marveling at the odd parallel of public and private loss arising out of Jeffrey’s inadvertent choice of dates. It seemed her entire world was collapsing from within and without. She listened as news commentators traced terrorists’ movements prior to the World Trade Center disaster – how they had eaten American food, rented American apartments and attended American universities and flying schools, all while planning to blow up America – Judy shook her head knowingly. Like America, Judy had smugly welcomed a guest into her home – never suspecting what hatred and viciousness lurked just below that guest’s superficial pleasantness. As images of terrorist extremists flashed across her television screen, Judy thought she could almost see Susie Stein’s tiny face right up there with them — flushed from overconsuming Judy’s vintage wine, glancing across Judy’s own dinner table laughing, perhaps a touch too loudly, at one of Jeffrey’s tasteless, off-color jokes. News shows replayed audio tapes of emergency response calls and Judy heard Susie’s voice, perhaps on some past “girls’ night out,” slurred from too many margaritas. “Lighten up,” she had warned Judy. “Don’t be so old fashioned” she chided Judy in her squeaky but imperious voice “Life is all about fun.” Maybe for you, Judy used to think, remaining tactfully silent.
Judy understood. Susie needed to feel superior to her because her supervisory position at Liars, Slutz & Gains had not resulted from superior work skills or talent (of which she had precious little). Susie had simply slept her way to the top with Phil Gains — who, along with the agency’s other antiquated founders, had long since lost interest in advertising and used his agency as a sort of personal playground where raises and promotions were distributed thru sexual nepotism.
Judy was, in fact, the only female employee not involved in the hard, compulsory, after hours partying. She was kept on (and paid handsomely) because she was also the only one who could pitch and work with clients actually expecting creativity and objectively measurable results from their ad campaigns.
Now Susie had used those same sexual tactics that had advanced her over Judy at work to place herself above Judy in their personal lives as well. Judy had no choice but to quit her job – resulting in loss of profit sharing, insurance and other benefits. How could she, Judy wondered, be expected to keep a close, loving friendship with an ex-husband who had allowed such a thing to occur? Judy did not want to know. She simply endeavored to be off somewhere else whenever Ladies First ran one of its “Loving Friendship With Your Ex” seminars.
The “Loving Friendship” workshop had actually been Maxine’s brainchild. Personally, Judy thought, a better workshop topic would be: “How to forget your ex and find new and better love,” or, maybe, (in her darker moments) “How to finish your ex off once and for all…”
“Let’s do a workshop on computer dating for older daters,” she suggested one day.
Lilly agreed, smiling. “That could be loads of fun.”
Maxine felt such a workshop could be “a money maker” but felt compelled to add: “You know those men out there dating on the internet are no different than our ex-husbands. They are our ex-husbands. You know that, right?” Nevertheless, she joined in one evening as the three friends ordered wine, cheese and fruit plates from Delicious Deli and fired up an office computer for a test run on themselves.
“First we’ve got to create our profiles,” bubbled Lilly. “Let’s do each others’ make up and hair for the picture.” Wine glasses in hand, they groomed one another and uploaded. It was a hoot…a real “girls-night-out” fun time. Even Max’s normally stern demeanor softened occasionally into a smile.
First went Lilly, her dreamy blue eyes and shoulder length blond hair and that calm, serene smile. Hopefully men would overlook that she was a trifle plump. Then came Max. Tall, slender, severe and intimidating (especially those small, bright, close-set eyes that locked you into eye-to-eye contact with their direct gaze). Still she was attractive in a strong, independent way. Finally it was Judy’s turn. Brushing back her chin length brownish hair, she smiled shyly into the computer-mounted camera and tried, unsuccessfully, to look open and friendly.
All three women were surprised at how quickly e-mail responses started pouring in – even within the first hour. Max, ever practical, quickly scanned each incoming profile for marital status, education and income. Relationship-entangled, non-opera lovers with less than six figure incomes never got past that first communication with Max and she felt no obligation to advise them that they had not made the cut. (“If they read my profile, they should know education, income and marital status are key for me.”)
Lilly looked for common interests and what she laughingly called a “certain chemistry of spirit” in her e-correspondents. If she sensed they lacked this quality, she gently discouraged them from further communication. Meanwhile Judy, poor Judy, scoured each and every e-mail in a desperate search for a new Mr. Right. For her the project was more than a work-related lark. Judy was on a mission.
“What a bunch of losers,” Max snorted, about a week later, flinging her newest bunch of e-mail print outs on a table. “Three want to meet, sight unseen, at a hotel, two own homes, have no debts and are looking for ‘good Christian wives who know a woman’s proper place,’ and one wants to be ‘completely honest’ by telling me his divorce is not yet final from his, get this, ‘Asian mail order’ bride.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” smiled Lilly. Here’s a lawyer looking for a ‘friend and companion for possible permanent relationship.’ I like his honesty. I’m going to e-mail back. How about you Judy, see anything interesting?”
Looking up from a pile of papers, Judy smiled weekly. “Actually, I’m meeting this guy, Randall Young, for dinner tonight.” “What?” she asked in response to Max’s unarticulated, smirking negativism. Without response Max pointed to a faux needlepoint poster on their office wall that read “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” and depicted a glamorous looking fish standing upright on it’s fins next to a bicycle with a smug smile on its face.
“He’s a retired businessman with a Ph.D. in Economics from Northwestern University, single and,” she added defensively, “upper income bracket.”
In fairness, Max still said nothing the following day when Judy was forced to report back that Mr. Young had actually been rather older — quite a bit older — than his Data-Date profile had suggested. Besides being on a walker, he was, he admitted, impotent, incontinent and, basically, he stated rather clearly, looking for someone to take care of him as he, his words, “grew old.” Look in the mirror, Judy thought as she hurried away at evening’s end. That ship has sailed and I’ve got no interest in being your unpaid nurse.
Within a short time, Judy, and Lilly were forced to concede that computer dating was far more of a challenge than they had anticipated. Max simply wore an “I told you so” expression but said nothing.
Clearly, the supply of sane, sober, heterosexual, employed, relationship seeking men was insufficient to meet the demand. On that point, they all agreed. Where they could not agree, however, was how women should respond to such a situation.
Maxine’s approach was to turn her energies towards “more productive activities in life.” Lilly felt it was probably best to adjust one’s expectations downward and Judy, poor Judy, remained convinced that if she just kept trying long enough, she would find that perfect man of her dreams – her replacement for her departed ex-spouse.
While they couldn’t agree on how or even whether one should try to meet men thru the internet, the three friends’ differences of opinion were entertained with good humor bordering on flirtatiousness. If their life’s destination was up for grabs, they were enjoying their journey with the camaraderie of friendship. In an unexpected way, times were good. Then several things happened in rapid succession.
First, Maggie McNulty came into their lives — signing up for a “Ladies First” Basic Divorce Survival workshop. A perpetually smiling, full figured blond with a “giving” personality, Maggie hit it off with Lilly right away. They became friends of a sort and stayed in touch even after the workshop ended. Even Lilly had to agree, however, that Maggie had not gotten much out of her Ladies First experience.
From the start she did everything wrong. Although she pretended to hate him, Maggie was still completely smitten with her ex-husband and blamed herself entirely for his departure. (“I’ve never been a very exciting person. I can see why Anthony needed more.”) She ignored Lilly’s urging to treat herself to a spa makeover and Max’s suggestion that she finish off her accounting degree (being only six credit hours short). Sadly, she seemed to prefer wallowing in misery, eventually abandoning make up, going completely gray and gaining thirty more pounds. Then she began to withdraw socially and stopped returning even Lilly’s calls.
“I’m worried about her,” Lilly confided to Max and Judy. “Now that her divorce is final, she’s just not bouncing back at all.”
“You can lead a horse to water…” Max stated flatly. “I always had her pegged as one of those ‘without-him-there’s-nothing worth-living-for,’ types.”
“Some of us don’t have ice water running through our veins,” Lilly snapped. Then she softened. “Look, Max, not all women can survive on opera, vintage wine and a platonic bond with their ex-spouse.”
“Exactly,” Judy chimed in. “Although I respect your self sufficiency,” she added quickly.
“Helloooo,” Max mugged, pointing to the fish with a bicycle picture and rolling her small bright eyes in such a comic way that all three women started laughing.
The following week, Maggie McNulty was forgotten when Judy’s elderly mother, Ruth, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and had to be moved cross country to a local nursing home where Judy could oversee her care.
As always, the three friends worked together harmoniously. Maxine researched and found Wedgwood Retirement Community while Lilly flew across country to pick Ruth up because Judy was sequestered while serving as a juror in a month long federal criminal trial.
They barely got Ruth settled into Wedgwood when Maxine was suddenly diagnosed with breast cancer. Judy and Lilly cancelled all Ladies First workshops and stayed at Max’s side throughout all her treatments and hospitalizations. Kenneth hung around too and was apparently shocked into loquaciousness by Max’s illness. It turned out one reason he was so quiet before was that he was discovering he was gay. By the time he figured this out, he didn’t know how to tell Maxine so he just shut down.
By the time Max got her clean bill of health, she and Kenneth had decided to live together again as platonic roommates. “We really are soul mates,” Max stated unapologetically, “just not the sexual kind. Besides,” she added, practically “I’m going to need a lot of help while I’m getting my strength back and Kenneth always was the one who did all the cooking and cleaning.”
Judy and Jeffrey began communicating again as well after Jeffrey unexpectedly stopped by the hospital to visit Max, out of respect for the friendship they all had shared during their “couples” years. He and Kenneth began catching up and Jeffrey mentioned, loud enough that Judy couldn’t help overhearing, that he and Susie were divorcing. It turned out that shortly after they married, Susie started hanging out with a wild crowd closer to her own age, coming home late and drunk or staying out all night. When Jeffrey complained, she slapped him with divorce papers. Now she was claiming all the assets – including a townhouse, two vacation properties, an art collection and several million in assorted investments, all of which had followed Jeffrey from his first marriage with Judy — were non-marital property given to her as “gifts” by Jeffrey at the time of their marriage.
Upon hearing this, Judy actually felt sorry for Jeffrey. She remembered how in the early years of their own relationship he had done most of the giving and she had done most of the taking. The only difference was that she had really loved Jeffrey in a way Susie obviously hadn’t.
“Let’s go down to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee,” she offered and Jeffrey readily agreed. Though neither knew it at the time, Jeffrey would successfully defeat Susie’s claim and prevent her from taking all the assets (aided in part by advice from Maxine) and, eventually, would remarry Judy. Judy would take over teaching the old “Maintaining A Loving Friendship With Your Ex-spouse” workshop as well as the popular new: “Getting Back Together After Divorce: Myth or Reality.” (Apparently a surprising number of divorced persons reconnect as cherished friends or even remarry at some later point in time.)
Lilly, meanwhile, got engaged and later married someone she met on the internet. Although he was a housepainter and not college educated, they seemed incredibly compatible and happy together.
Thus, all three friends were doing well when they got the sad news:
Maggie McNulty was dead. And, it was a suicide.
When they heard this — from Maggie’s adult daughter who called knowing Lilly and Maggie had been friends of a sort — they shared a deep glance between themselves.
“There but for the grace of God,” Judy said out loud. “It could have been any one of us if we hadn’t had each other to rely on and if our lives had worked out just a little bit differently.”
“Sometimes even small differences lead to drastically different outcomes,” Lilly remarked softly.
“Divorcing women have got to stay strong, rely on their friends, be good to themselves and never give up,” Max said matter-of-factly.
Standing quietly under the fish with bicycle poster, Judy, Max and Lilly spontaneously embraced, praying for Maggie and thanking God for allowing each of them to have successfully passed through a change in circumstances.